I have never considered myself a super religious person. I was raised in a Christian household and attended church and always had faith in Christ. I have never pushed my faith and beliefs onto others and have tried to have an open mind. I have never appreciated when someone tried to make me believe that i was ignorant for having faith but tried not to show my emotions. I probably have not attended church in over two years, but I always say that going to church does not make you a Christian, it is the faith you possess. A year and a half ago I had a very special person taken from me. He was taken too soon. There is no reason that a twenty one year old should die from cancer, but he did. I struggled with that for months after his passing. Why would God take one of his faithful servants who loved him and lived a life for him at such a young age? I was so mad at God for the longest time and just did not understand. After a few months I kept telling myself that one day, God would provide answers for me. That he did have a purpose and a reason for all of this. I try to tell myself that when things do not seem to go my way or I am having an “off” day. Today was one of those days….to say the least. When Brandon was going through all of his treatments and his battle was a roller coaster ride, his parents made sure to keep all of his friends updated with a caring bridge journal. A blog to basically update daily to let us know of his progress. I will never forget the day that I went to read an update only to see the message we knew was coming. Brandon’s treatments had finally failed and he had passed. I am not venting on this thing to go through all of that again. I am sure if you look at previous posts you will can read and relive my emotions that I was going through that time and still go through today. This post is for something different. So back to the caring bridge. I received an email this morning saying that there was another post in Brandon’s caring bridge and I took this as an obvious surprise since his parents had not really posted much since his passing. But the posting today was a link for another person’s caring bridge. It was for Jim Cook, Brandon’s father. The day after father’s day I learn that my friend who I cared so much about who is no longer with me is now losing his father. Brandon’s sister who just lost her only brother will now lose her father. Brandon’s mother who just lost her son will now lose the love of her life. Brandon’s girlfriend who just lost the love of her life will now lose the man she should have been able to call dad. How is it that after a year and a half of losing Brandon can God take away another family member? Again, I have feeling this confusion, grief, pain, and anger. Why would God take another human that after everything he went through and even after losing his only son, maintained positive and kept a personal relationship with Him take him too? I just cannot see the logic in this. I am angry at God and I feel horrible for saying it. But I am just so confused. My mom tells me that I will have answers one day and I hope she is right.
Are you there God? It’s me, Jordan.
Breathe Me - Sia
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame
he a thug though :3
Shadows and Light Painting by Rashad Alakbarov